Choices and Control

The Idea of the Week

When we don’t have a choice, we may feel powerless or like we have no control. Maybe we’ll feel down or depressed; maybe we slow down or grow resistant or hesitant toward the task; maybe we lose our energy or motivation. But why does this happen? In a 3-minute read, Susan Weinschenk from Psychology Today shares Why Having Choices Makes Us Feel Powerful.

We cannot control our feelings, although we may be quick to blame or condemn ourselves for feeling a certain way. We can, however, control our actions. We can temper and influence our feelings and moods by choosing situations, our relationships, our environments, or our activities. In short, Choose Your Actions, Not Your Feelings (a 3-minute read).

Lastly, further explore how choices make us feel powerful through the lens of the self-determination theory (an 8-minute read).

Practice of the Week

Now, we’ve examined choices and control, and we know that we can control our actions, but is that what we’re telling ourselves? Let’s look at a couple of ways we can change our language:

Replace “I should be…” with “I choose to…” When we tell ourselves “I should be going to the gym,” “I should be eating healthy,” or “I should be meditating,” do you feel motivated and energized to do so? Most likely, you’ll answer “no.” Instead, it may feel like adding another chore to the endless list of “should-be” and “should-have.” Instead, honor your autonomy and control by replacing it with “I choose to…”

Explore your why. With most choices, you can ask yourself, “Why?”

For example, “Why did you choose the salmon? Well, I had lamb last night and I wanted something light. Why did you want something light? I’m thinking of my health. Why are you thinking of your health? Health is important to me. Why is health important to you? I want to live a long, happy life. Why do you want to live a long, happy life? I just do. I want to see my grandkids grow up, I want to check off the bucket list, and I just want a long, happy life. At this point, there’s nowhere else to go, really.” (example from this article)

Focus on what you can control—on the choices you do have. When the big choices feel overwhelming or not viable, shift your focus to the small choices.

Example 1: Maybe leaving a draining job does not feel like a viable choice right now, so let’s focus on how we choose to spend our moments when we return home from work. For example, upon returning home from work today, I chose to hug my partner for five minutes before we talk about our days or say anything.
Example 2: We can’t change our friends’ feelings when they’re going through a difficult time, and we can’t control what they do. What we can do, however, is hold space for them, offer a hug, or offer other forms of support. (See our 5-minute blog post for more ways to help a struggling friend.)

In this 20-minute podcast, Jen from Dare to Self Care says that “You can be whoever you want to be. You have a choice.” Jen shares what helped them take on each identity they wanted to be in their life (e.g., a morning person, a runner, and a podcaster) and how they formed habits by using their power to choose.

What are you choosing to do this week? Let us know on our Instagram or Facebook page!

The Thought of the Week