Take care of yourself
First, it’s important for you to take care of yourself. When you take care of yourself, you give yourself more space, availability, and energy to support your friend.
You may not realize how much supporting someone affects you, and it can be taxing to help a struggling friend if you don’t take measures to look after your own well-being, too. Check in with yourself and your emotional availability levels so you don’t overexert yourself while you help a struggling friend.
Here are some measures you can take so you don’t experience burnout while supporting a friend:
- Encourage your friend to talk with other people they trust. This means that your friend will have multiple people they trust to support them. Being a friend’s sole supporter is a big responsibility and can be straining on your relationship, which is why having a support system is important.
- Set boundaries. Let them know what kind of support you’re able to provide, how much, and when.
- Lean on your own support system.
- Check in with yourself and take a step back if you’re finding yourself overwhelmed.
- Engage in self-care.
Make time and space to connect
Reach out to your friend and make plans to connect and hang out. You can find places where it’ll be quiet and you are less likely to be interrupted during your conversation. Or, you can do things you both enjoy together.
| “If you care about someone and you really want to help, you understand that the signs may be there, and they may not want to talk about it. But it’s always important to keep those lines of communication available. If not open, at least available.” –Markiplier, Seize the Awkward |
How do I start the conversation?
Reaching out to help a struggling friend and starting the conversation can feel awkward and difficult. Here are a few ideas that you can say if you find it difficult to start the conversation:
- “I’ve noticed you haven’t been yourself lately, and I wanted to let you know I’m here for you. What is the best way I can support you?”
- “I’m here for you. Do you want to talk about it?”
- “Maybe I’m wrong, but I feel like something’s off or you’re not quite yourself. I’m worried about you, and I want to support you. Would you like to talk about it?”
- “This must be beyond overwhelming. How are you coping?”
- “I’m impressed by how you’re handling this. If you would like to give yourself a break, I would like to help make that happen.”
- “Hey, I was thinking about going for a walk or going to the movies, and I would like it if you’d join me. Do you want to come?”
You may start the conversation and find out that your friend does not want to talk about what they’re going through or their feelings. In that case, don’t pressure them, but remind them that you’re available when they’re ready to talk and if they would like to talk with you. You can also occasionally check in with them and gently ask how they’re doing.
Be present and show up in the moment
Don’t minimize their pain. Often, we’re quick to minimize our pain, or someone else’s pain, so we can avoid the uncomfortable feelings that come with painful experiences. When we minimize our pain, we disconnect from ourselves and others and put our pain on pause.
However, feelings hold information about our needs, wants, and goals; they invite us to pay attention to ourselves in the present and understand what we need to move forward. If your friend tries minimizing their pain, then acknowledge the hardship and difficulties they’re facing and remind them that they don’t need to bottle up their feelings and that it’s okay to express themselves.
Ground yourself in the moment.
Sometimes, you don’t need to say anything; sometimes, showing up and sitting in the present moment with your friend is the best way to support them.
Actively listen
Active listening is listening with the intent to understand by staying focused and engaged in the conversation. You can practice active listening by listening to your friend and then reflecting your understanding back to them. This shows that you are listening and attempting to understand them; this allows them to feel heard and understood.
Validate their feelings
Emotional validation is the process of acknowledging and understanding someone’s feelings without judgment or shaming.
Emotional validation allows individuals to feel seen and heard. When an individual is struggling, they blame, shame, or judge themselves for their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Using validating statements when your friend voices their feelings and experiences is a powerful way to make them feel accepted, supported, and loved.
Even if you don’t fully understand or relate to their experiences or emotional responses, you can still validate their emotional experiences by reflecting back what you’re hearing from them.
