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Shame

All, Mental Health

by Tori Roalef
May 13, 2025

Shame is a powerful emotion. It is so powerful that it can often override other strong feelings, like anger or excitement. Sometimes, the strength of shame knocks the breath out of us and we want to run from the situation, crawl into bed, and never emerge again—just to run far enough that it won't eat away at our thoughts.

This week, let's learn how we can move on from shame so it can stop festering in our minds and bodies.

The Idea of the Week

What is shame? (8-minute article). Shame is a self-conscious feeling. It feels humiliating or embarrassing and arises when you think you have done something dishonorable or improper.

Shame thrives in isolation. It drives us to hide and cover up the incident—stash it away so it never sees the light of day, and no one will know what awful things happened.

As Brené Brown, a vulnerability and shame researcher (20-minute TED Talk), says, shame lives in the dark like mold and cannot survive in the light. The antidote to shame? Sharing in compassionate, empathetic spaces with others or yourself.

The Practice of the Week

Emma McAdam from Therapy in a Nuthshell created a flowchart to heal from shame, guilt, and regret. In her accompanying 24-minute video, she breaks down the flowchart into one question and one choice.

Step 1: Ask the question, “Did I actually make a mistake?”

Step 2: If the answer is “Yes, I made a mistake,” then we want to shift away from using labels and start engaging in actions. For instance, instead of “I am a mess-up; I’m bad at relationships,” try identifying the actions. “I take accountability for this, and I empathize with your hurt” or “I will be more mindful to appreciate my loved ones more.”

Step 3: If the answer is “No, I did not make a mistake,” then let the clarity fuel a cycle of healing to treat yourself and others with love.

In the video, Emma also shares a powerful exercise to clarify your actions and determine if you made a mistake. Grab a piece of paper, and draw a line down the middle.

On one side, write all of your actions. On the other side, write all of the other person’s actions.

Then, rip the paper down the center line because your actions did not cause their actions. You are not responsible for their actions.