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The Idea of the Week
Tanya Villanueva Tepper shares her experience with Grief and What Everyone Should Know (15-minute video). She experienced two struggles with misbeliefs about grief that she heard from others, and more often told herself.
“You need to move on.”
We do not necessarily “move on” from grief as though the stages are now all wrapped up and we can shed it all in the past. “Instead,” Tanya says, “we learn to live with the pain of our loss and move forward when we are ready, carrying the love, inspiration, and memories with us.”
“You need to let him go.”
Tanya invites us to shift our idea of letting go. Similar to moving forward, we do not need to let go of our loved one, leaving them to the past and never thinking of them again.
Instead, what we let go of are the rigid expectations of how we should grieve; let go of our expectations of the future we were going to have with them; let go of our fear, guilt, shame, and any negative self-talk that gets in the way of our healing.
We do not have to let go of the memories to create new memories; we can hold onto them, share them with others, and create new memories by sharing them with others.
We do not have to let go of our love to create a space for new love. Our capacity to love others and experience joy is vast and deep. We are not limited in our capacity to love. Instead, we get to add to that love.
The Practice of the Week
Tanya asks us a few questions to reflect on:
- Are you living a life filled with meaningful connections?
- Are you being the best person you can be for yourself, for the people you love, for that person who needs a helping hand, for our world?
Tanya gently reminds us that we are not guaranteed our next minute. She invites us to ask ourselves:
- What are you doing now to inspire and strengthen those you love to keep living without you when you’re gone?
- How do you want to be remembered?
- How will you want your loved ones to be treated when they are grieving over you?
When our loved one is in grief, how do we support them? This 7-minute article from PsychCentral explores a few ways to support a loved one.
- Say something. We may avoid our loved ones out of fear of saying the wrong thing. Instead, say something to them. You could try saying, “I heard, and it must be really hard right now. How can I support you?”
- Offer support. “How can I support you?” and “Can I do anything to help?” are both general questions that can be helpful for the person in grief to control how they receive support. However, sometimes it is more helpful to be specific because they may not know what they need. Consider offering specific support, such as “Hey, how about I grab you a breakfast and coffee tomorrow morning?” or “I’m going down to the post office today so I can stop by your place to drop off your mail.”
- Be honest. “I don’t know what to say, but I love you so much, and I want you to feel heard.”
- Embrace their feelings and check in with them. A simple and genuine “How are you doing?” can go a long way.
- Don’t fear the worst. People are often worried that having someone talk about their loss will make their grief worse. Sometimes, sharing the grief and talking about the loss can lift the weight off from grief. Devine from PsychCentral advises on staying true to who you are and your relationship with the person.
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The Thought of the Week
Wishing you a peaceful week!
