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The Idea of the Week
You likely have heard of the 5 stages of grief (a 10-minute article): denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The grief model has also been adapted to include 7 stages of grief:
- Shock and denial.
- Pain and guilt.
- Anger and bargaining.
- Depression and loneliness.
- The upward turn, when you begin to adjust to your new life.
- Reconstruction and working through, learning to move forward with the grief.
- Acceptance and hope.
The stages make it feel like you should move neatly through denial and anger, and once you touch all of them, you can finally reach acceptance, and that’s it.
But the model is not actually intended to move through these stages linearly. It is not how many people experience grief. We do not move through the stages like a quest.
Rather, everyone’s grief is different, and each grief you experience will be different from the last experience.
You may encounter the anger stage one day, then touch the depression stage, then find yourself back in the denial stage, and so on.
Even once you touch on the acceptance stage, you may touch another stage the next day, especially around holidays, anniversaries, or other special occasions.
Grief is a continuous process, and it is complex.
The Practice of the Week
Grief is complicated. In an NPR article, the writer described it as, “Grief is like someone turned up the volume dial all of a sudden.” There is a long list of emotions you may experience while you are grieving. Sometimes, even conflicting emotions may feel like they contradict each other.
When you experience these conflicting emotions, we offer and invite you to practice an affirmation that involves “yes, and.”
“Yes, and” is typically an icebreaker improvisation activity that helps participants build a story. The underlying idea is that whatever the person before you says, you respond with “yes, and,” then continue the story.
“Yes” to accept what has happened; “and” for you to add to what happened.
If you were to say, “yes, but”…well, it may sound like you are accepting what happened, but really, you are contradicting or overwriting what had previously been stated. For instance, “Yes, they made their decisions, but I should have been there.”
In terms of emotions, we may often find ourselves using this phrase. For instance, “Yes, I am upset, but I was not close to them.” In this statement, “but” overrides the upset feelings, as though saying they do not have a right to be upset because they are not close.
So, let’s reframe it: “Yes, I was not close with them, and I am upset over their loss.”
“Yes, I am sad and wish they were still here, and a part of me is relieved they are no longer in pain.”
“Yes, I grieve for and miss them, and I wonder when the pain of the grief will stop.”
“Yes, I miss smelling the baked goods while walking in my hometown, and I enjoy the new scents in my new home.”
“Yes, and” allows space for both statements to be true.
We are complex human beings, and even seemingly contradictory emotions and feelings can co-exist.
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The Thought of the Week
Wishing you a peaceful week!
