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Confidence

by Tori Roalef
February 4, 2025

When we look around at the people around us or online, it seems like everyone can be so confident in themselves and feel secure in their own skin. Yet, sometimes it can be difficult for us to have that same confidence in ourselves.

If having confidence is difficult right now, we have a fresh take on confidence that may help you take the steps towards rebuilding your confident self.

The Idea of the Week

“Why is it Impossible to Gain Confidence?” In this 20-minute video, Dr. K from HealthyGamerGG explores this question. The key idea that Dr. K presents is that we don’t actually “gain” confidence. It is not something that need to grab and add to ourselves. Instead, what happens is that we “gain” insecurities.

Rather than gaining confidence, the idea is to let go of insecurities.

Below you can find the timestamps to Dr. K’s video:

1:40 What am I supposed to do to gain confidence?
2:15 The reason you can’t gain confidence
3:55 Why do people lose confidence?
6:10 How do I unlearn insecurity?
8:50 Prompt: When was the last time you were confident?
12:15 Reexamining your experiences
18:30 Going out to build confidence

The Practice of the Week

As Dr. K shares in the video, one of the ways to rebuild your confidence or restore your confident self is by unlearning insecurities. Sometimes unlearning insecurities means going into situations to invoke the insecurity and sit with it and question that belief. It may also mean going to therapy to work through the trauma (whether it is big “T” Trauma or little “t” trauma; see our blog post for more information on trauma). Other times, unlearning insecurities happens over one’s lifetime as we learn to adopt different beliefs about ourselves—beliefs that make us feel secure in ourselves.

Dr. K provides one of the ways you can examine these beliefs. Consider this, “When was the last time you were confident?” Then, reexamine your experiences. Where did you form these beliefs about yourself?

For instance, the last time you were confident in your drawing was in high school when you displayed your art at an exhibit. However, after the exhibit you learned that one of your classmates made fun of your art.

Then the next time you tried to draw, feelings of shame may arise. Anytime you look at art or try to draw you may experience these negative emotions, until eventually you avoid making art even if it is something you desire to do.

These are all experiences that you would reexamine: When you first formed the belief and the resulting experiences that reinforced this belief. What did you feel in the moment? What beliefs did you form about yourself? What are alternative conclusions you could have drawn?

If you would like a journaling exercise to help you move through the process of letting go of these beliefs, here is a FREE worksheet on Letting Go.