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Always Seeking Approval

All, Navigating Life

by Tori Roalef
October 17, 2023

Do you find that you often say “yes” to things that you’ll regret or resent later, but you do it because you don’t want to disappoint someone? Do you find you hesitate to buy certain things, wear certain outfits, or do something that you want because you don’t know if it’s the “right” choice?

We naturally seek social validation because we, as humans, are a community-based species. But, constantly seeking validation for everything is exhausting. This week, we’re exploring how we can find that balance.

The Idea of the Week

In this 30-minute video, Dr. K from HealthyGamerGG interviews a community member about emotional dependence, doubt, and constantly seeking validation. The interviewee shares their life experience on these topics.

Together, Dr. K and the interviewee delve into how this manifested in their life and how to stop relying on others’ validation: first, by letting the “guard dog,” referring to our anxiety and doubt, to stand watch while we do something that we feel we need validation for, then checking in with the “guard dog” and asking “was it okay that we did this thing?” (Dr. K shares more about this technique at timestamp 19:15 in the video).

The Practice of the Week

In this 15-minute TEDx Talk, Cameron Versluis shares his “life recipe” for meeting our social validation needs without being weighed down by it:

Monitor. Ask yourself these 5 questions when you lose someone’s approval over a period of time, then look back at your responses and find patterns.
1. What happened leading to the loss of approval?
2. How did I feel?
3. What did I expect to feel?
4. Why did I feel that way?
5. What can I do about it?
Ingredients. Remove the “bad ingredients” from your life; these are the people or social groups that do not fulfill you, but you may spend a lot of time with. Then add more of the “good ingredients” into your life; these are the people or social groups that do fulfill you.
Share your recipe with others so they can help you build it.

Here are a few more journaling prompts to help you find where your struggles come from:

What experiences shaped me into a people pleaser?
What are my specific fears when saying no? Is it fear of conflict? Rejection? Criticism?
If I say no to this person, what is the worst thing that can happen?
How will saying yes to this impact me? Will I have less time for my priorities? Will it cause burnout?
What personal needs often go unmet because of my people-pleasing habit?
What are the disadvantages of being a people-pleaser?
When I agree to attend an event I prefer not to go to, how does that make me feel? How can I change that?
How can I better balance my needs and people’s requests?
Source

Saying “no” can be difficult for a number of reasons, so here is a list of 102 ways to politely say “no.” Remember that saying “no” does not make you selfish.

What are your tips for saying “no” or holding boundaries? Share with us on our Facebook or Instagram page!